The Porsche Prayer

[jeffsquire]

THE PORSCHE PRAYER (OLD TESTAMENT).

Lord, Let the check engine light be a surge from the nearby lighting strike, and not my mass air flow sensor.
But if the lightning strikes, Let the lightning strike me and not my Porsche, but if it does strike my Porsche, then please, Lord, strike my balding Bridgestone Pole Positions, which are all long overdue. . . .
Let the lightning strike not one, but all four tires. And let my insurance cover that Act of God, your lightning strike on my tires, and replaceth them with Pirellis.

Further Lord, Let my Porsche, my vehicle which You bequeathed me, protect me from those who wish harm upon me. . .

Let My first gear move quickly into second like Jehu on his Chariot, and pealeth out, and smoketh great plumes of heavenly dust to shieldeth my Porsche from the carjacker who pointeth his six-shooter at me. But if that Fiend do shooteth me, may his bullet strike my aged, rattling Windstop, to be replaced with a sturdier model from my local Stealership.

Lord, thank you for my new chromed-out Delouzebo headers and exhaust, and make them create such a great heavenly roar that it shattereth the subwoofers of the Monte Carlo playing Fiftycent cruising abreast me.

Let my Litronic high beams blind mine enemies --including my obnoxious neighbors whose 8 foot wooden fence egresses 4 inches over my lakefront property boundary line, and smite them dead. . . .However, Lord, if I ever find myself in Florida, then protect my Porsche from those sinners and thieves who wish to relieve me of my Litronic headlights.

However, Lord, if that thief attempts to steal those Litronics, then smite him dead with lightning, or a frayed positive lead wire from my battery.
But if he survives Lord, please prevent him from suing me for negligence because I own a Porsche and not a Ford. Let someone in my stead be sued, Lord, like the wire, battery, or Litronic manufacturers, and even Porsche AG, but by all means, keep me out of that Class Action.
And If my lawyer succeedeth not in removing me from said class action and my cross-claim fails in a motion for summary judgment, then Lord, let the jury come back with a No-Cause of action, and may the Judge award me attorneys fees for my distress. And striketh dead that Shyster lawyer for bringing me to this despair.

Finally, Lord I am thy servant, and through the ages you've bestowed upon your servants the sword and shield of thy wrath. . . . Lord, please emblazen my shield with the Porsche, Stuttgart/Zuffenhausen logo in gold and mahogony leaf overlay.

These things I ask you Lord, for you are great, my Porsche is Great, and I cannot yet afford a new Ferrari.

Amen.

[unklekraker]

OMG, Jeff....I almost fell of my chair laughing coz' after I read it, I found my two hands clasp together, like when you are actually praying and at the end I EVEN SAID Amen
oh yah, my co-worker thinks i'm going nuts coz' i can't stop laughing..hehehehehe!

*may i ask a permission to print so I could post it in my desk and garage

[CJ_Boxster]

LMAO, Jeff, I dont think it'll ever get better than that! LOL Ill say this prayer before i sleep and i before i pull out the garage.

Hey you should make those Laminate prayer cards that people clip to there sunvisor... they usually have a picture of a saint on it also.

For now, post it in a section of this forum so it wont ever be lost and will have its own thread.

[djomlas]

a little tricky to read, but very nice, i liked that one

[jeffsquire]

Originally Posted by unklekraker

OMG, Jeff....I almost fell of my chair laughing coz' after I read it, I found my two hands clasp together, like when you are actually praying and at the end I EVEN SAID Amen
oh yah, my co-worker thinks i'm going nuts coz' i can't stop laughing..hehehehehe!

*may i ask a permission to print so I could post it in my desk and garage

___________________________________

Feel free to copy, distribute, quote, whatever. If you ever laminate though make sure to send me a copy.

Ooops, I forgot this.

"Dear lord, I am thy servant, and through the ages you've give your servants the sword and shield of thy wrath. . . .
. . . .Lord, please emblazen my shield with thePorsche, Stuttgart/Zuffenhausen logo. . . .Amen

[unklekraker]

Originally Posted by jeffsquire

___________________________________

Feel free to copy, distribute, quote, whatever. If you ever laminate though make sure to send me a copy.

Ooops, I forgot this.

"Dear lord, I am thy servant, and through the ages you've give your servants the sword and shield of thy wrath. . . .
. . . .Lord, please emblazen my shield with thePorsche, Stuttgart/Zuffenhausen logo. . . .Amen

first thing tomorrow morning @ work...will print it out
That last one, really sealed the prayer for all of us!
*can't wait to show it to my Pastor

[djomlas]

how the hell do u steal litronisc?

[jeffsquire]

Originally Posted by djomlas

how the hell do u steal litronisc?

___________________________

Apparently it's the latest fad in Florida, according to our community posts.

[CJ_Boxster]

Originally Posted by djomlas

how the hell do u steal litronisc?

You get some tool to firmly grab the edges of the headlight and pull forward very hard, itll snap a peice of plastic off the sliding bracket... I know this cause i turnd my headlight removal tool the wrong way and snapped a peice off but the lamp still came out, I assume thats how it would be done.

[jeffsquire]

Originally Posted by unklekraker

first thing tomorrow morning @ work...will print it out
That last one, really sealed the prayer for all of us!
*can't wait to show it to my Pastor

__________________

Look at my original post. I added the shield thing and made some corrections. Ronzi's line is so good that it deserves to be there as well.

Ronzi, you gave me the inspiration.

[jeffsquire]

The NEW AGE, politcially correct Porsche prayer.

Dear mother earth. We worship you because you begat us and no one and nothing else. We worship your dirt, trees and water for these are the elements of life.

Thank you for my newest Tofu colored Porsche given to me by my companion for the Winterfest. WE’ve just celebrated our 117th Sundial week anniversary. The keys were wrapped right under the Winterfest tree. My companion and I sang Winterfest songs, Drank winterfest egg nog made from organic chickens who were not slaughtered or used for cosmetic purposes, and ate winterfest cake baked in our sun oven.

Mother earth, forgive the streetcorner independent, unlicensed pharmaceutical distrubutors in the urban centers whom I roll up to on weekends in my Porsche, for they haveth no choice, b/c there’s no jobs out there because of that evil man in the Whitehouse. Except protect my independent, unlicensed pharmacuetal distributer who provides necessary temporary relief for these stressful times of unemployment, stockmarket depression, starvation and hate. After all, this is such a horrible country.

Bless my Medical Marijuana faith healer who also drives a porsche. And thank you for letting him provide me with legal prescriptions of Xanax, Nebutal, Vicodin and Oxicondin in full-strength 250mg tabs, 250 count, with 12 refills. I thank you for my healer, especially when my inner city pharmacuetical distributer is incarcarated for “crimes” aginst “society.”

Bless and protect all living things, but also bless my Porsche. Bless the leather seats which give me comfort and look great, and forgive the evil profiteering murderer who killed a cow to procure it. The good thing is I’m sure the leather came from an organic cow raised on natural grass with his own private bathing facilities. After all, the grain in the leather resembles the beangrass I make my tea out of.

Forgive the evil money hungy harmdoers who destroy the greenery of your earth. Forgive the loggers. And thank you for me and my companions new Loghouse.
Forgive the farmers who grow your greenery only to kill and exploit their product to sell at the markets. But thank you for my Pumpkin/Dandelion spice frappachino.

In the future please amalgamate a Prius and a Boxster so I feel better about driving to my Pilates classes. Forgive me for using a plastic cushion during those classes instead of pesticide-free-raised cotton. Plastic is a by-product of oil, and oil is simply evil. Somehow bless the makers of Prius’ even though battery production is caustic, involves child-slave labor, and devastates the enviroment. Your creation, Mother Earth.

Please get rid of all guns, weapons and violence, because they never solved anything except slavery, fascism and communism. However protect my bodyguard and please allow his pistol permit to be renewed for another 3 years like Rosie O’Donnell’s did.

Finally, Mother Earth, as I walk through thy forests on my hemp slippers, forgive all of those who say one thing and do another.

Amen.

[Grizzly]

Originally Posted by jeffsquire

THE PORSCHE PRAYER (OLD TESTAMENT).

Lord, Let the check engine light be a surge from the nearby lighting strike, and not my mass air flow sensor.
But if the lightning strikes, Let the lightning strike me and not my Porsche, but if it does strike my car, then please, Lord, strike my balding Bridgestone Pole Positions, which are all long overdue. . . .
Let the lightning strike not one, but all four tires. And let my insurance cover that Act of God, your lightning strike on my tires, and replaceth them with Pirellis.

Further Lord, Let my Porsche, my vehicle which You bequeathed me, protect me from those who wish harm upon me. . . .
Let My first gear move quickly into second like Jehu on his Chariot, and pealeth out, and smoketh great plumes of heavenly dust to shieldeth my car from the carjacker who pointeth his six-shooter at me. But if that Fiend do shooteth me, may his bullet strike my aged Windstop, to be replaced with a new model from my local Stealership.
Lord, thank you for my new chromed-out Delouzebo headers and exhaust, and make them create such a great roar from the heavens, that it shattereth the subwoofers of the nearby Monte Carlo playing Fiftycent cruising abreast me.

Let my Litronic high beams blind mine enemies, and smite them. . . .However, Lord, if I ever find myself in Florida, then protect my Porsche from those sinners and thieves who wish to relieve me of my Litronic headlights.
However, Lord, if that thief attempts to steal those Litronics, then smite him dead, Lord, with lightning, or a frayed positive lead wire from my battery.
But if he survives Lord, please prevent him from suing me for negligence because I own a Porsche and not a Ford. Let someone in my stead be sued, Lord, like the wire, battery, or Litronic manufacturers, and even Porsche AG, but by all means, keep me out of that Class Action.
And If my lawyer succeedeth not in removing from said class action and my cross-claim fails in a motion for summary judgment, then Lord, let the jury come back with a No-Cause of action, and may the Judge award me attorneys fees for my distress. And striketh dead that Shyster lawyer for bringing me to this despair.

These things I ask you Lord, for you are great, my Porsche is Great, and I cannot yet afford a new Ferrari.

Amen.

Suddenly it's clear to me why my attorney can never do the **************** I'm paying him to do in a timely manner.

Nice work on the prayer, though.

[jeffsquire]

Originally Posted by Grizzly

Suddenly it's clear to me why my attorney can never do the **************** I'm paying him to do in a timely manner.

Nice work on the prayer, though.

_____________________
Easy Grizz. I'm just taking the time to pray. And I was thinking about your case at the same time. So I"ll only charge you time and a half, and give ten percent to tithe.

"THey don't hate lawyers and plumbers for nothing. . . ."