I tell ya, I get no respect.......

When my dog humps my leg, he won't even look me in the eye!

What are the three rings of marriage?

1. The engagement ring

2. The wedding ring

3. The suffer-ring

How do you turn soup into Gold?......

.......you add 14 carrots!

I have a knock knock joke. You start.

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can,
wine to accept the things I can't,
and pot to tell the difference.

How many ants does it take screw in a light bulb?

Two - the trick is getting them in there.

a horse walks in to a bar. the bartender says "so why the long face?"

a termite walks in to a bar, says "Is the bar tender here?"

Please excuse the length of this post.

A letter from Timmy...

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones
********************************

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus
*******************************

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones
********************************

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus
***********************************

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone
************************************

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your ******************** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
************************************

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
*************************************

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little b*st**d.

Santa

Sidesplitting! Thanks for posting it!

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sink-o!

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low? She thought it was Diet Coke!

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

Did you guys hear they had to cancel the Christmas play at the University of Georgia this year?

They looked over the whole campus, and never could find three wise men and a virgin.;)

Dawg jokes? :cheers:


/

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop".

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes". Man at the end of the bar says" I object to that remark". Guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man says "No, I'm an A-hole"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

And last, one for our friends up North...

A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What will be stranger?"

The seal says "I'll have anything as long it is not a Canadian club."