Douglas was always my favorite.

I like Art and 2nd base

This is going back a ways, but do you remember that famous blue dress belonging to Monica Lewinsky? do you know what the investigators found in the pocket?

A wad of bills!



This one goes back even further. The Trudeaus were installing a patio at their house. Pierre was raking the sand and Margaret was laying the stones!

Ba-dum-bum!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Don't forget her Pacific Rim cousin......Irene.

Why did the chicken cross the road ? To meet his friend Gregory Peck on the other side.

(Ronald Regan) What chicken??

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3...

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.. correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

What do you call a hooker sitting on the front edge of an airplane wing?


A leading edge slut.

I don't get it :confused:

The leading edge of the wings on most large jets have lift improving devices called slats.

Ah, thank you. I guess you had to know something about planes.

Can you spell P-D-K O-N-L-Y?

http://i1114.photobucket.com/albums/...ps64ba6b70.jpg

You're in a room with a lawyer, a terrorist, and a mass murderer. You have a gun with only 2 bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

On the way back from a zoo field trip the teacher asked the kids what they saw.

Kathy excitedly said, I saw a giraffe, its neck was ten stories high. Well said the teacher, the giraffe's neck was certainly long but maybe not 10 stories.

Billy said, I saw a hippo, a big fat hippo, it was wider than this bus. Well, said the teacher, that hippo certainly was big but I don't know that is was as wide as the bus.

Finally Johnny said that he saw a flat rabbit. Well said the teach I don't recall seeing a flat rabbit. But, but, stammered Johnny, there was another one behind it pumping it back up.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up?
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It becomes daytrogen.

Male "on a scale from Honda to Porsche, how high maintaince are you?"
Female "jaguar"

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know ... I haven't had a cold all winter."

A TOUCHING STORY OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the wake."