A lady was having some problems so she goes to the Dr. The Dr examines her and says that she has Tom Jones disease. She says: Tom Jones disease! I never heard of it. Is it common? The Dr Says: "It's not unusual".

..............Boo

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go
tomorrow... I didn't go today.

Who gave us these great one liners?

Rodney Dangerfield

http://www.recordsale.de/cdpix/r/rod...ppinrodney.jpg

Whats the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche. :ah:

Difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

I take my wife everywhere. Problem is, she keeps finding her way back!

For her birthday, my wife said take me some place I've never been before. I said, OK, how about the kitchen??

Awesome!!!

All the jokes I have are too dirty for this forum.

Not a joke so much but a humorous anecdote.

I asked an elderly patient what he did during WWII, during his intake physical.

He answered: Chased P#$$! junior! Funny part was his 60 some year old son was sitting next to him shaking his head.

Gotta love Vets.

Why are turds tapered?
To keep your a**hole from slamming shut.

7th grade

Jokes of that era are still some of the funniest to me.

My then 9 year old son some years back:

"Hey Dad, ya know what you can find in an empty nose?

Fingerprints.............."

So I pick up a chick at a bar and she says "Kiss me where it stinks", so I take her to Jersey.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass.

For the engineers
 

Two engineering stuents are riding their bikes across campus.

The first student says to the other. "That's a new bike. Where did you get it?"

The second relpies. "Well, yesterday I was walking near the Liberal Arts building and this pretty girl jumped off her bike, stripped off all her clothes and told me I could have whatever I wanted."

After thinking for a minute, the first student responded. "Good choice, those clothes wouldn't have fit you."

Ha ha! you want to see funny? Take a trip on I-95 in your state! Worst drivers in America!!!
:D

"No. 1: Miami. And it’s not even close. First in automotive fatalities, first in pedestrian strikes, first in the obscenity-laced tirades of their fellow drivers."

Man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup…doctor says "I got some bad news, you're dying of cancer" man says "with all due respect, I'd like a second opinion" so the doctor says "your ugly too"…from the Henny Youngman vault...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa! :)

Hey leave north florida I-95 out of this!

A few more from one of my favorite comedians of all time...

--I don’t get no respect. Every time I get on an elevator, the elevator attendant always asks me the same question: “Basement?”

--I don’t get no respect. Lots of women get morning sickness when they’re pregnant; my mom got sick after I was born.

--This steak is so tough it still has the marks where the jockey was kickin’ it

--I don’t get no respect. The other day I was standing outside my hotel and the doorman told me to call him a cab.

--Hey, somebody step on a duck?

Don't get me started. Miami has absolutely the worst drivers I've ever come across. I take that back, Miami Beach drivers are even worse. Everybody on the beach has a brand new, über expensive Ferrari, Maserati, Porsche, Lambourgini, all vying for valet parking in front of the most exclusive, expensive club or restaurant.

You can rent exotic cars by the hour so that the posers can parade down Ocean Drive and pick up all the skanky, gold diggers with so much plastic surgery they look like aliens.

Beach drivers will cut you off, drive in the oncoming lane to get past you, you name it. Once I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic at 2 AM (it was actually early for the Beach) with the top down, and some idiot in back of me lays on the horn for a good ten seconds because I wasn't moving fast enough. I give him the finger and he jumps out of his Mercedes and wants to fight. I said " Try me". He rants and raves but does nothing.

The Sunshine State is So welcoming.