HELP! My 97' 986 is POSSESSED!!!!!

[WeTodded]

Ok, I'm new here but have been visiting for some time now. I have a 97' 986 that is really for real, possessed. As I'm driving down the road, both windows will roll down by themselves and the door locks make the lock and unlock sound by themselves. The remote has never worked since I bought the car and I have only used the key to open and close. Now the car's windows roll down overnight. I wake up in the morning and they are rolled down and the car is unlocked. I have absolutely no idea where to start. My Bentley service manual doesn't cover exorcism. Can somebody direct me as to how I can fix this? I can't afford to go to the dealer. The nearest Catholic Church shut the front door on me and told me not to come back. Please help me with this very annoying problem. Thanks in advance.