Post a joke...

[Perfectlap]

Originally Posted by san rensho

So I pick up a chick at a bar and she says "Kiss me where it stinks", so I take her to Jersey.

Ha ha! you want to see funny? Take a trip on I-95 in your state! Worst drivers in America!!!


"No. 1: Miami. And it’s not even close. First in automotive fatalities, first in pedestrian strikes, first in the obscenity-laced tirades of their fellow drivers."

[M31]

Man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup…doctor says "I got some bad news, you're dying of cancer" man says "with all due respect, I'd like a second opinion" so the doctor says "your ugly too"…from the Henny Youngman vault...

[1olddude]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

[trimer]

Originally Posted by Perfectlap

Ha ha! you want to see funny? Take a trip on I-95 in your state! Worst drivers in America!!!


"No. 1: Miami. And it’s not even close. First in automotive fatalities, first in pedestrian strikes, first in the obscenity-laced tirades of their fellow drivers."

Hey leave north florida I-95 out of this!

[san rensho]

Originally Posted by Perfectlap

Ha ha! you want to see funny? Take a trip on I-95 in your state! Worst drivers in America!!!


"No. 1: Miami. And it’s not even close. First in automotive fatalities, first in pedestrian strikes, first in the obscenity-laced tirades of their fellow drivers."

Don't get me started. Miami has absolutely the worst drivers I've ever come across. I take that back, Miami Beach drivers are even worse. Everybody on the beach has a brand new, über expensive Ferrari, Maserati, Porsche, Lambourgini, all vying for valet parking in front of the most exclusive, expensive club or restaurant.

You can rent exotic cars by the hour so that the posers can parade down Ocean Drive and pick up all the skanky, gold diggers with so much plastic surgery they look like aliens.

Beach drivers will cut you off, drive in the oncoming lane to get past you, you name it. Once I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic at 2 AM (it was actually early for the Beach) with the top down, and some idiot in back of me lays on the horn for a good ten seconds because I wasn't moving fast enough. I give him the finger and he jumps out of his Mercedes and wants to fight. I said " Try me". He rants and raves but does nothing.

The Sunshine State is So welcoming.

[san rensho]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass.

[Coffinhunter]

Two engineering stuents are riding their bikes across campus.

The first student says to the other. "That's a new bike. Where did you get it?"

The second relpies. "Well, yesterday I was walking near the Liberal Arts building and this pretty girl jumped off her bike, stripped off all her clothes and told me I could have whatever I wanted."

After thinking for a minute, the first student responded. "Good choice, those clothes wouldn't have fit you."

[Boxtaboy]

How do you turn soup into Gold?......

.......you add 14 carrots!

[Joe B]

I have a knock knock joke. You start.

[pierre shags]

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can,
wine to accept the things I can't,
and pot to tell the difference.

[Mark_T]

How many ants does it take screw in a light bulb?

Two - the trick is getting them in there.

[alanqning]

Originally Posted by Mark_T

How many ants does it take screw in a light bulb?

Two - the trick is getting them in there.

[Mark_T]

a horse walks in to a bar. the bartender says "so why the long face?"

a termite walks in to a bar, says "Is the bar tender here?"

[eicheldp]

Please excuse the length of this post.

A letter from Timmy...

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones
********************************

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus
*******************************

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones
********************************

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus
***********************************

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone
************************************

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your ******************** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
************************************

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
*************************************

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little b*st**d.

Santa

[Mark_T]

Sidesplitting! Thanks for posting it!

[KRAM36]

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sink-o!

[KRAM36]

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

[KRAM36]

Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low? She thought it was Diet Coke!

[Johnny Danger]

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

[LAP1DOUG]

Did you guys hear they had to cancel the Christmas play at the University of Georgia this year?

They looked over the whole campus, and never could find three wise men and a virgin.