A lady was having some problems so she goes to the Dr. The Dr examines her and says that she has Tom Jones disease. She says: Tom Jones disease! I never heard of it. Is it common? The Dr Says: "It's not unusual".

..............Boo

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go
tomorrow... I didn't go today.

Who gave us these great one liners?

Rodney Dangerfield

http://www.recordsale.de/cdpix/r/rod...ppinrodney.jpg

Whats the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche. :ah:

Difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

I take my wife everywhere. Problem is, she keeps finding her way back!

For her birthday, my wife said take me some place I've never been before. I said, OK, how about the kitchen??

Awesome!!!

All the jokes I have are too dirty for this forum.

Not a joke so much but a humorous anecdote.

I asked an elderly patient what he did during WWII, during his intake physical.

He answered: Chased P#$$! junior! Funny part was his 60 some year old son was sitting next to him shaking his head.

Gotta love Vets.

Why are turds tapered?
To keep your a**hole from slamming shut.

7th grade

Jokes of that era are still some of the funniest to me.

My then 9 year old son some years back:

"Hey Dad, ya know what you can find in an empty nose?

Fingerprints.............."

So I pick up a chick at a bar and she says "Kiss me where it stinks", so I take her to Jersey.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass.

For the engineers
 

Two engineering stuents are riding their bikes across campus.

The first student says to the other. "That's a new bike. Where did you get it?"

The second relpies. "Well, yesterday I was walking near the Liberal Arts building and this pretty girl jumped off her bike, stripped off all her clothes and told me I could have whatever I wanted."

After thinking for a minute, the first student responded. "Good choice, those clothes wouldn't have fit you."

Ha ha! you want to see funny? Take a trip on I-95 in your state! Worst drivers in America!!!
:D

"No. 1: Miami. And it’s not even close. First in automotive fatalities, first in pedestrian strikes, first in the obscenity-laced tirades of their fellow drivers."

Man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup…doctor says "I got some bad news, you're dying of cancer" man says "with all due respect, I'd like a second opinion" so the doctor says "your ugly too"…from the Henny Youngman vault...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa! :)

Hey leave north florida I-95 out of this!

A few more from one of my favorite comedians of all time...

--I don’t get no respect. Every time I get on an elevator, the elevator attendant always asks me the same question: “Basement?”

--I don’t get no respect. Lots of women get morning sickness when they’re pregnant; my mom got sick after I was born.

--This steak is so tough it still has the marks where the jockey was kickin’ it

--I don’t get no respect. The other day I was standing outside my hotel and the doorman told me to call him a cab.

--Hey, somebody step on a duck?

Don't get me started. Miami has absolutely the worst drivers I've ever come across. I take that back, Miami Beach drivers are even worse. Everybody on the beach has a brand new, über expensive Ferrari, Maserati, Porsche, Lambourgini, all vying for valet parking in front of the most exclusive, expensive club or restaurant.

You can rent exotic cars by the hour so that the posers can parade down Ocean Drive and pick up all the skanky, gold diggers with so much plastic surgery they look like aliens.

Beach drivers will cut you off, drive in the oncoming lane to get past you, you name it. Once I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic at 2 AM (it was actually early for the Beach) with the top down, and some idiot in back of me lays on the horn for a good ten seconds because I wasn't moving fast enough. I give him the finger and he jumps out of his Mercedes and wants to fight. I said " Try me". He rants and raves but does nothing.

The Sunshine State is So welcoming.

I tell ya, I get no respect.......

When my dog humps my leg, he won't even look me in the eye!

What are the three rings of marriage?

1. The engagement ring

2. The wedding ring

3. The suffer-ring

How do you turn soup into Gold?......

.......you add 14 carrots!

I have a knock knock joke. You start.

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can,
wine to accept the things I can't,
and pot to tell the difference.

How many ants does it take screw in a light bulb?

Two - the trick is getting them in there.

a horse walks in to a bar. the bartender says "so why the long face?"

a termite walks in to a bar, says "Is the bar tender here?"

Please excuse the length of this post.

A letter from Timmy...

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones
********************************

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus
*******************************

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones
********************************

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus
***********************************

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone
************************************

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your ******************** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
************************************

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
*************************************

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little b*st**d.

Santa

Sidesplitting! Thanks for posting it!

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sink-o!

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low? She thought it was Diet Coke!

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

Did you guys hear they had to cancel the Christmas play at the University of Georgia this year?

They looked over the whole campus, and never could find three wise men and a virgin.;)

Dawg jokes? :cheers:


/

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop".

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes". Man at the end of the bar says" I object to that remark". Guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man says "No, I'm an A-hole"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

And last, one for our friends up North...

A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What will be stranger?"

The seal says "I'll have anything as long it is not a Canadian club."