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Update.
I just couldn't take this anymore, so here's what I did. Left work early. Stopped and picked up two gallons of distilled water. Called my indie shop and gave them a heads up. Called my buddy and told him to meet me at Joe's. Car is sitting outside. Popped trunk. Coolant tank is nearly bone dry. Popped up D valve, added about a half gallon of water to full line. Cranked car and let it idle. After 5 minutes or so, had to add about another half gallon. I take it a few times around the block and I hear the fans kick on, so I know they're good, and I need to add about another quart. Temp has stabilized, car is running around 180, so we pay Joe for his disservice and we're off to drop it at the shop who should've had it in the first place.
I drove. Everything was cool, so to speak. In fact...I wish now that I had bought an S. For a brief moment, I thought about asking him if he wanted to trade cars, straight up. Brief...moment...
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