Quote:
Originally Posted by BIGJake111
Thank you very much for the offer, but i must say, get back to me in 2 years  |
I think you dodged a bullet there -- and I'm not talking to BigJake.
Since you posted this link, let me help-- BTW, I'd give it a "C-" and I've only read through this once:
"Hello, my name is BigJake111. I am a young auto enthusiast.
[Ok, combine these 2 sentences with an "and" -- what are you, a robot?] My first car was a Porsche boxster
[Capitalize much? "Boxster"],
[";" you've got 2 independent clauses here] however, it was totaled in the highschool
["high school" is 2 words] parking lot by an individual that failed to yield to right of way. It was found at his fault
[Ok, this doesn't make sense -- what does "It" refer to? The accident? You don't mention an accident. Also, if you are going to use "individual" like you did in the sentence before, you should use "their" not "his" here. Of course, making that change still doesn't grant this clause meaning] (after many battles due to lack of a full police report and being on private property
[What are you going for here? Is it important that you didn't get a full police report? Or that you were on private property? If you are trying to engender some sort of mutual consent toward your cause, you need to be a little more specific rather than rely on your audience to understand what you mean.] and the insurance money will easily allow me to buy another Porsche
[Well, this is just stupid to say. I mean, people with a brain would just say, "Well, if you could easily buy another, why not buy the beater too? It sounds like you will have the money." You see? You come off cocky here, and there is no reason to be.] However, due to obvious reasons
[What's so obvious here? Is it because you are incapable of getting a full police report? I don't understand what you are implying as obvious? You don't state the personal relationship you had with the male individual, so why is it obvious?] i
[Really?]need a beater to drive to school while saving the Porsche for weekends. Fast forward to earlier this week
[*sigh* "Fast forward"? Really? You are fast-forwarding to a past event? "Rewind" You'd know this if you ever held a cassette.] when looking on a local car lot, I saw a masterfully
-stylish Volvo 740. Due to the unique style of the car
, I honestly believe I could enjoy it near as much as my Porsche
["my"? Do you own it yet? If not, than it can't be "my" -- Make up your mind. If you are trying to sell a story, then the parts have to add up. Here, you imply that you already have the replacement when you infer above, that the settlement will easily cover the replacement. Stories that don't make sense won't sell]. These Volvos are cheap, practical, SAFE, and honestly
, I get the vibe of a 4 wheeled Vespa
[Ok, this sounds incomplete. What I think you are saying is that you get the vibe of the Vespa when driving it (not that you said you've test driven it, but you are imaging what it'd be like, right?]. I enjoy life
[life? sounds like weekends] in the Porsche, but I want to enjoy highschool
[sic] in the Volvo. Rather than asking you to help me fund a sports car, I am asking your help to buy a beater. There is a certain irony to this car that i
[sic] feel connects to my suppressed artistic side
[So, are you implying that artists don't choose Porsches? I mean, where do we hear anything about you being suppressed? How is "artistic" also akin to "cheap", "practical" and "safe"? This characterization doesn't make sense to me.], wouldn't it add to the art if it was crowd funded.
[Hmm... I don't know, maybe if you ended this with a "?" I could answer...] The car will be kept original
[Not if you have people scribble on it. Also, who is going to care that you want to keep it original? Who is your audience? Are you speaking to someone or people specifically? What is your target here? Come on Marketer! Step up and show us.]. DO NOT feel sorry for me, i
[sic] could work and buy a beater on my own, but, I want to make a project and experiment
[Project and an experiment? What's the difference here?] out of this, I want to give YOU a chance to be involved. Any dollar donated helps.
[This is a weak "Call to Action" -- look it up.]
Edit: And also BigJake, this is speaking to a point -- one day you are going to have to stop thinking about what you want to do when you grow up and do it. I don't know if this was a real offer, but man, if it was, you missed a chance.