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Patience young Paduan: after hooking up the trickle charger to the fuse panel and leaving it on for about 36 hours, the 'charge' needle crawled about 1% to the right. I hit the hood release button, but still nothing; on a hunch I tamped down all the fuses, locked/unlocked the car with the key, and hit the button again: *CLICK*. Success! I immediately replaced the battery ($225 at the only stealership in town) and we're back in business!
Two final questions, though: (1) can anyone explain (preferably in non-technical terms) what the rubber hose that connects to the side of the battery is for? And (2) is the ex-battery worth anything?
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